Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
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Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
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Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.