That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
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Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
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I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.