Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
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BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
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That was so not worth putting pants on for.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.