ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
