I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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