Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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