He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
