He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
