I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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