My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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