Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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