Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
