It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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