All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
