chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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