Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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