I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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