ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My feet surprised me
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