I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
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