please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
