Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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