4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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