He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
