Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
