TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
