The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
