I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
