nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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