Taylor Swift is so right about you.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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