4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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