Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
