i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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