So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
