I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
