Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
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4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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