dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
zippers are such a cool invention
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
