I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
