I murdered the dance floor call the cops
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
