My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
