I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
