I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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