That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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