I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
True college students do jello shots in the library
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
