I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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