There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
