my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
