I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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