my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
