Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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