so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
