I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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