Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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