She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
