Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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