i just wanna soil my oats bro
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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