Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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