girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
