I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
