We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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