2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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