Pregnant stripper...not hot.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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