god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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