I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
